Well, you asked …

Dear Miss Advise:I have an ex”boyfriend” (it was an online thing) who I broke up with nearly two years ago. We tried to be friends but it was disastrous, annoying and a little bit painful. We finally agreed that we would not have contact anymore and I have stuck to it. Basically, he has a history of saying that he will not bother me anymore then a week to a month later he would come back and want to talk again and apologize for being an ass. I told him last time he said that that it was the last time I was going to hear it. There was not going to be any contact whatsover anymore. Well of course he tried to IM me about a week later and I never responded. He has sent me emails and I know he reads one of my blogs on a regular basis. He has tried to add me to various groups or lists that he’s involved with (360 Yahoo, MySpace, etc.). Well, I was ignoring and deleting the requests but with one of the recent ones I actually denied it hoping he would get the message. Before I had never sent a denial because to me that was having contact and I didn’t want to give him a foot in the door (message to reply to, etc.).

Anyways, he went silent for several months but he’s back to trying to add me again. What should I do? He isn’t being like a stalker or anything so it’s just annoying. I don’t know if I’m being heartless or smart. I don’t want his antics in my life though and I don’t know how to handle the situation delicately.

Doesnt need needy exboyfriend

Dear Doesn’t: For the love of all things holy, you owe him nothing.

Most online communities (myspace, friendster, etc.) have blocking options. Block that ass till hell won’t have it. I’m sure most messaging programs also have blockers or at least the ability to appear “invisible” to certain users.

You clearly have nothing to say to him, a fact he is well aware of. Although you say he is not being a creepy stalker, that could change. Don’t let it go that far.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Dear Miss Advise: I need help reading signals or lack of signals. How do you know when a guy likes you? I know this person who is a business associate (not coworker) who I am becoming attracted to and I’m starting to wonder what he has on his mind too. He calls me now just to tell me to have a nice day or to see how I’m doing. He gave me his personal email address and we’ve exchanged photos. I should explain that I usually only do business with this person over the phone. He’s super nice and tells me he likes talking with me.

I don’t know a heck of a lot about him, including if he’s with someone. I don’t know how to ask that without being obvious.

How do I tell if he’s just being friendly or if he would like more than friends?

Sincerely,
In need of a interpreter

Dear In Need: Being casual is a fine art. But sometimes? Being obvious is the quickest route.

Still, there’s nothing wrong with asking a friend if he’d like to meet up for lunch sometime. It’s harmless. Everyone likes lunch! See how it goes from there. You’ll be able to tell.

Trust me.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Thank you for reading. Miss Advise is published whenever. You know. No big deal. Write to her at missadvise@gmail.com.

Look at this, smartasses! A timely update.

Dear Miss Advise: I’ve had a crush on a boy for years. I’ll call him Bake Sale Bernie. Well, I never acted on my crushies, simply because Bernie lived so freakin’ far away shortly after we graduated from college. And, well, I’m a wuss.

Now Bernie has decided that he and one of my dearest friends are in loooooooooove.

I want to be mad. I guess I am. I’m losing sleep and I can’t think of anything but this biiiig shocker that my friend waited several weeks to tell me.

They are now making plans to shack up in the city in which she lives. So if I go see her, I will now have to witness The Love Nest.

And I’m just, ugh.

What should I do? Part of me wants to accept everything and be happy with them. The other part of me wants to dip a few tampons in lighter fluid and fling ‘em at their apartment. On moving day.

Sincerely,

Crushed Pineapple Upside-Down Cake

Dear Crushed Pineapple Upside-Down Cake: Why’d your friend wait weeks to tell you what was going on? That’s pretty crummy.

I honestly don’t know what you should do. If the happy couple live far away, at least you won’t have to see them in your daily life. But here’s what I would do: I would back off from the friendship for a while until I figured out if I could deal with my friends’ togetherness. (And I probably couldn’t and there would be tampon flingin’ to be had, let me tell you.)

I take it Bake Sale Bernie never knew you had feelings for him. And Bake Sale Bernie probably always came running to you when he needed support and you probably had to stand helplessly on the sidelines while other girls broke his heart and done him wrong. Some people will tell you that you probably should have spoken up sooner. But Miss Advise is not one of those people. Miss Advise knows that shit ain’t easy. But I bet the new girlfriend knew how you wanted Bernie to turn your pineapple cake right-side up. And for that, she is evil. She should have told you sooner.

I know you want both of these friends to be happy, but their new relationship has changed the whole dynamic between the three of you. You have a right to be sad and to be angry. Maybe someday you will be able to accept it, but you don’t have to do it right now.

Keep me posted. I’ve got lots of lighter fluid.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Thank you for reading. Miss Advise is published on a whim. Write to her at missadvise@gmail.com

Christ! I know. I haven’t updated. But you bastards haven’t been sending anything in, either. Put that in your yella-belly pipe and smoke it.

Dear Miss Advise: I am a single girl and happily so. I enjoy being alone these days, but for some reason several of my friends have decided that’s not right. I explain that, while I appreciate that they think I am too fabulous to not have a man worshiping me on a regular basis, right now I just want to be by myself. Those I consider to be close friends seem to understand and back off when I tell them this.

One friend however, (we’ll call her “Weeble-wobble”) can not seem to grasp
this concept to save her life. I don’t even consider Weeble-wobble to be a
close friend, so it boggles my mind that she thinks she knows me well
enough to pick out my potential mate. (”Oh, she likes music. Well, he used
to be in a band.” - Yeah, a jam band! Puke!!)

Luckily, Weeble-wobble has a big mouth once she starts drinking jager (this
happens often). She spilled the beans about her little plan to my best
friend. Luckily, my best friend has the biggest mouth this side of the
Mississippi. He immediately came to me and told me to be on high alert. The
plan, he told me, was that I would receive a phone call inviting me out for
a beer with Weeble-wobble, her boyfriend (we’ll call him “Rucian”), and
“some friends.” When I received that phone call I knew exactly what to do.
I thought I was home-free. Boy, was I wrong!

Weeble-wobble and I were at work one night when who should come in but the
very friend she had planned to introduce me to. I felt trapped. She
ambushed me. She introduced me to him as “her good friend.” It was the way
she said it that creeped me out. I felt like she was really saying to him,
“This is the girl I was gonna set you up with.” And, Miss Advise, this guy
was old. Not only that, he was a dork. Dork! (He sort of reminded me of her
boyfriend, Rucian.) I couldn’t get out of there fast enough. How could she
even think I would be into this guy? Is she crazy?

How do I assert myself should this happen again in the future?

Sincerely,

Desperately Seeking Solitude

Dear DSS: Tell the Weeble-Wobble to kindly go piss up a rope.

No, seriously, you should tell her how uncomfortable you were when she introduced you to that guy while you were at work. The sooner you tell her, the better. I’m sure she has your best interest at heart, but she is interfering with your job. And that ain’t cool.

Here’s what I think is going on. I think the Weeble is looking back on all the years she spent alone and she feels sorry for herself. Now that she’s “found love” she wants to help everyone else find it, too. Even if that means fixing up completely miss-matched couples.

The main thing is to not take it out on the “I Can’t Believe it’s Not Rucian” guys the big WW wants to pair you with. Keep it between you and the Weeble and let her know you are not interested in meeting any of her friends for the purpose of dating, whether they have a Casio keyboard or not. You have to tell her that your love life is none of her business. Be firm or plan to spend your weekends on double dates in the back of a white Caddy.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Thank you for reading. Miss Advise is published whenever she damn well feels like it. Write to her at missadvise@gmail.com.

How-dee! In honor of Valentine’s Day (which, I KNOW, was totally like a week ago), this week’s column will focus on matters of the heart. And because I only got one such submission, this’ll be short.

Dear Miss Advise: I always seem to become attracted to guys who are either unavailable, uninterested or they turn out to be emotionally abusive or just emotionally immature. I’ve met someone new and I kinda like him so that there is a bad sign. What is a good “test” for telling if a guy is good or not?
Tired of Bullshit

Dear Tired: If I knew the answer to that question, I’d certainly be rocking a big old shiny Tiffany engagement ring right now. Instead I’m snowed in at my house with two dogs and a limited amount of vodka. Jesus help me!

Anyhoo, I believe all people are good people. Some people just really suck at relationships. Just because you’ve got a crush on someone doesn’t mean he’s bad news. The only way to tell if he’s worth your trouble is to invest some time in the relationship. It’s fine to be cautious based on your past experiences, but don’t hold this new guy accountable for the way your last relationship ended.

If you’ve dated your share of rats, and we all have, you should be able to tell what kind of guy you’re dealing with. Although you didn’t mention what exactly you’re looking for in a man, I suspect you have some idea what that would be. If this new guy doesn’t live up to your standards now, he never will. Trust me. It’s a lesson I’ve learned the hard way.

You’ve also got to make it perfectly clear to these yokels that it is not OK for them to treat you the way they do. Take care of yourself first. Stand up for yourself. And never settle for something you know isn’t right.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Thank you for reading. Miss Advise is published weekly (sort of). Write to her at missadvise@gmail.com.

God people. Calm down. Can’t even take a vacation around here without everybody falling apart.

Dear Miss Advise: One night last week, I was making a salad at a salad bar. A woman was in front of me with her child also preparing a salad. On down the line she came to a dish of broccoli salad and decided that it looked better than the plain broccoli she had put on her plate. Imagine my horror when she stepped back in front of me and started to throw broccoli off her plate and back into the bowl! Needless to say, whatever was on my plate at the time was all I was getting. My husband said there was nothing wrong with that. He said it was a clean plate and she simply changed her mind, no big deal. I disagree. From my viewpoint she may as well have licked the spoon and put it back! Once something is on your plate, it’s yours, buddy! What do you think?
No Second

Dear No Second: Yes, that’s gross. Tell your husband to stop taking you to buffets. But I guess you won’t have to worry about that now that the Western Sizzlin’ burned down.

Dear Miss Advise: I work with a woman that cuts her fingernails at work. This drives me NUTS!!! When I hear “clipclip” all I can think about is fingernails flying around the room, landing in my hair and God knows where else. And believe it or not, one day she actually removed her shoe and cut a toenail because she said it hurt! She doesn’t see anything wrong with what she does in her own “space.” I find this absolutely appalling. Currently we do not speak to each other. I’m I wrong to be totally sickened by this woman?
Grossed Out in the Workplace

Dear Grossed: Where is this woman’s mother?

Miss Advise: I have a friend. I have known her since the third grade. She is a drunken whore. How do I become one too?
Miss A

Dear Miss A: Let me guess. This friend of yours was probably a pretty good kid until she met you. She probably never got into trouble at all prior to the third grade. She probably wouldn’t have gotten detention in grade six. She probably wouldn’t be a drunken whore now if it weren’t for you. But I don’t get paid to speculate, so I’m just going to answer the question.

You need to ask yourself why you would want to become a drunken whore in the first place. I have no doubt that this friend of yours is the most fabulous and glamorous person you’ve ever met, so maybe you would do it to be more like her. If that’s the case, you should spend more time with her. And when you go to visit her and she takes you to fetish night at the bar, drink up, Buttercup! Don’t just sit there and refuse to drink because you’re on a diet. Drunken whores don’t diet. They make out with bikers and pee in the street.

Ask your friend why she decided to become a drunken whore. Maybe it happened slowly as a result of dating too many terrible men. Maybe she did it because her parents love her brother more. Are these things you can identify with?

Becoming a drunken whore should be something you do for yourself. You shouldn’t become a drunken whore just because your friend is. And don’t expect it to happen overnight. It’s a greatly rewarding lifestyle for those who are willing to make the commitment. According to my staff of researchers, drunken whores:
• Have low standards when it comes to men.
• Will drink anything — if it’s free.
• Will do anything for a free T-shirt or to avoid paying a cover charge.
• Rarely wear panties.

These are just a few small things you can do to get started. And then, before you know it, you will be a drunken whore just like your beautifullest, bestest friend in the whole world since 3rd grade. Good luck to you, Miss A.

Miss Advise: I live in San Francisco and ride the subway to work everyday. Let me tell you, there are some hotties on there, including some red-heads (I am a sucker for fire-crotch boys). Unfortunately they don’t seem to notice me. Either I’m getting older and it’s showing or else everybody else is now getting all the sex they need online.

The truth is I’m happily married and I’m not going to cheat on my husband, but I would still like to get cruised. SF is supposed to be the gayest city in the USA but lately I feel invisible.

What should I do?

Thanks,
Brian

Dear Brian: Simple. Five bloody marys and a push-up bra.

PS. I’ve never noticed you on the subway, either.

Dear Miss Advise: My boss is a walking fashion tragedy. Today, TO WORK, as a DEGREED PROFESSIONAL, she wore:

a) a royal blue polo shirt
b) a white fisherman’s sweater over that
c) royal blue swishee pants
d) white socks
e) black slip-on loafers that looked like old men’s houseshoes

I can’t possibly see how I’m supposed to take this woman seriously. When she’s “dressed up,” she wears dresses that often feature

a) butt bows
or
b) graphic 80’s ethnic prints
or
c) both.

In less than two weeks she will become the acting HEAD BOSS of my workplace for two months. Dressed like that!

Help my eyes,

Miss Glamour-Do

Dear Miss Glamour-Do: The ensemble you described sounds perfectly fine to me. Your boss is the social director on a two-star cruise ship, isn’t she?

Short of becoming a goodwill ambassador, MGD, and taking this woman out for a day of shopping, I’d say this: You’re going to make fun of your boss anyway. She’s just made it easier for you. With some careful planning, perhaps one day you could run into one of her butt bows with a machete.

Dear Miss Advise: I got me a problem. A big un’. Well, moowa lahk a see-reez of em’; while am wawkin’.

My name is Miss Farty Pants and ahm from the town of Fartville. It’s a small town in the state of Fartington. Ahm famous there for winning the Fartiest Fart Pants contest every year that it done been held. My family’s about tarred o’ me fartin’ all over the place, and I got a feelin’ they gonna be lockin’ up mah black bean soup and not lettin’ me eat on it. Ah could cry!

Kin you hep’ me?

Sin seeya lee,

Miss Aveline Farty Pant

Dear Miss Pant: What are you? Some kind of foreigner? What’s with that accent?

Can I help you? Probably not. I don’t mean to upset you, but I’ve seen people like you before. Your sons grow up to be figure skaters. Farting and figure skating are nothing to be ashamed of. You should consider yourself very lucky.

Thank you for reading. Miss Advise is published weekly. Write to her at missadvise@gmail.com.

Dear readers,
I have been on vacation. The first installment of responses will be published as soon as I get all the cornstalks out of the grille of my car.

Sincerely,
Miss Advise

Welcome to the Miss Advise advice column. First, some ground rules.

Basically, there are no rules. You can email Miss Advise for advice/opinions on any topic from bobby pins to boyfriends. There is no subject that is off limits. In the weekly responses, individuals will be refered to in the way they indicate in their emails to Miss Advise. All email addresses will be kept confidential and will not be used for any reason, under any circumstance, other than for the purpose of gathering material for this web log.

Miss Advise aims, first and foremost, to entertain herself and her readers. Miss Advise would never intentionally humiliate or degrade any of her readers or advice seekers.

Miss Advise is neither a therapist nor a psychic.

Weekly responses will be posted on Fridays. This, and any other commitment concerning this web log, is subject to change often and without warning.

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Sincerely,
Miss Advise